A Review of The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

     A practicing psychiatrist, Dr. M. Scott Peck, wrote this book. It is the author’s explanation of mental illness and of his thoughts on religion, grace, and God. The importance of “true love” is a continuing theme throughout the book. Indeed, the author contends that love is basic to healing. In the early sections of the book, the author illustrates some forms of mental illness with therapeutic sessions he has had with a few of his patients. In the latter sections he presents his ideas on how the human conscious and unconscious play a part in man’s relationship with God. Although the book is interesting and easy to read, some readers may struggle with how the author repeats himself and with his attempts to link ideas throughout the book.

      The author reminds us that life is difficult. We all deal with problems; some daily.   He emphasizes that problems do not go away. “They must be worked through or else remain a barrier to growth and development of the spirit.”   To solve life’s problems, the author emphasizes that discipline is the “basic set of tools” required. “These tools are techniques for suffering, means by which we experience the pain of problems, work them through, and solve them successfully; as we do so, we learn and grow in the process”.

     The tools of discipline are “delaying gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth and balancing.” He stresses that this kind of discipline is not the one a child experiences. Discipline from loving parents, however, is superior to the discipline of unloving parents. Delaying gratification is mentioned several times. It seems to be an underlying theme throughout the book. It is defined as “a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with.”

     The remaining tools of discipline, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth and balancing, are not as frequently mentioned, but are assumed to be lesser, supporting themes throughout the book. As a supporting theme, responsibility does make an appearance and is presented as a first step in problem solving. However, the author notes that trying to determine what we are and what we are not responsible for may be the greatest problem of all. He states that “the tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness.”

     In chronic or long-term mental illness, one stops growing. He or she becomes sick. And without healing the human spirit begins to die. The ability to solve life’s problems is not perfect. However, unless one is mentally disabled, anyone can solve any problem. To get started in the problem solving, the author stresses that the suffering individual must know or learn that he or she is valuable and loved, very important requirements for mental health. They are basic to the structure of self-discipline.

     Mental illness is caused by an absence of or defect in love; not the romantic love we first think of but “true love.” For successful maturity and spiritual growth, children require love from their parents or guardians. The list of ways we perceive and respond to the world is developed in childhood, which is normal.

     There are two conditions of the human mind the author identifies as “neurosis” and “character disorder.” These are disorders of responsibility, and they are opposite styles of relating to the world and its problems. “The neurotic assumes too much responsibility, the person with a character disorder not enough.”  In a sense all children have character disorder conditions. However, transference of these conditions into adulthood is not desirable. The author notes “neurotics make themselves miserable; those with character disorders make others miserable. He gives hope to neurotics because there are much better chances of success in healing for them than for those with character disorders.

     Individuals with character disorders seem to naturally deny responsibility for many conflicts in their lives. Throwing away responsibility helps them feel more comfortable. They choose to not solve the problems of living and to not try to grow spiritually; eventually they “become dead weight for society.” However, they don’t realize that giving up their responsibilities to society or to specific individuals means giving up their freedom.

     In beginning his thoughts on love, the author defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. The absence of love is the major cause of mental illness - the presence of love is consequently the essential healing element in psychotherapy. The only true end of love is spiritual growth.”

     “Falling in love” does not fall under the author’s definition of love. It takes no effort to fall in love, and it is not deliberately chosen. It is important to the survival of our species but offers very little improvement or spiritual growth. It may begin relations from which real love can blossom; but as the author insists, “a good deal more is required to develop a healthy, creative marriage, raise a healthy, spiritually growing child or contribute to the evolution of humanity.”

     The author expands on his thoughts about love by stating, “love is not simply giving; it is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing, and pulling in addition to comforting. In marriage it is judicious praising and judicious criticizing - spouses should be each other’s best critics. And each must strive to understand the problems of the other from the inside with consistent patience. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other. A good marriage can exist only between two strong and independent people.”

     The author writes a good deal on religion. He states that everyone has a religion. We receive our perception of world views, including religion, from our unique childhood experiences. And, so, the problem of religion versus reality may affect our spiritual growth. “Spiritual growth is a journey of knowledge and not of faith. During this journey we must continually expand our realm of knowledge and our field of vision through the digestion and incorporation of the latest information. The path to holiness lies through questioning everything.”

 

     Regarding grace the author rightly tells us that grace opens the door to spiritual growth. Grace or God’s love, as the author puts it, feeds the human capacity to love and the will to grow. The existence of grace is major to the reality of God and of His will for the growth of the human spirit. As Christians we have read that there will be many individuals on this earth who will not listen to the call of grace and will reject the offer of eternal life. As evidence of this fact the author cites Christ’s own words, “Many are called, but few are chosen.”

     Expanding on grace and its importance to spiritual growth, the author presents the theory of entropy, defined as the ongoing movement of everything in the universe from a state of organization to a state of disorganization. “Spiritual growth is difficult and takes effort because it is being resisted by entropy. The force of entropy uses laziness to do its work.”

 

     The author proposes that laziness is humankind’s original sin. It is a natural resistance to change, to take the easy way out of a human problem, and to not grow in this life and in the Spirit. Love is the only force against laziness. It is a miracle that Love stands up against the natural law of entropy.

     In the final pages of the book the author concludes that the connection between the human consciousness and unconscious is the connection between God and humankind. “Our unconscious is God. God within us. We were part of God all the time. God has been with us all along, is now, and always will be. It is because our conscious self resists our unconscious wisdom that we become ill.” Mental illness occurs when the conscious will of the individual does not follow the will of God but follows its own path.

     As stated earlier, love is the theme throughout the Road Less Traveled. The author reviews love’s importance in its final pages. To be loved, an individual must prepare him or herself for true love by becoming loving and disciplined. Love should not be sought; love should seek us. If we search for love, we will become dependent and not really loving. But when we help others and ourselves without reward on the journey of life on earth, not expecting love, “the reward of true love will find us.”

    

 

Why Does God Allow Pain and Suffering?

It is not difficult to believe that God created man in His own image. God gave man His own intelligence, desires, and free will. Consider all the miraculous accomplishments in art, science, and culture over the millennia.

However, the gift of free will enabled newly created man to make a bad choice, one that was in disobedience to God. Ever since then, mankind has made choices that have had horrible consequences; consider war, famine, and disease. And God entrusted mankind with the nurture and care of the original, perfect world. But building structures on tectonic plates, deforestation, and pollution have all tested the balance of nature, and the results are man-made, natural disasters.

Consider that God wouldn’t hesitate to press buttons and controls or turn off the master switch to prevent evil and natural disasters, thereby saving the world from pain and suffering. But who would want to live as a robot or in a robotic world with buttons and controls? Would such a world truly be free? I say no. And so man has chosen to live with pain in a free world than to live in a painless but unfree world.

If you were offered the opportunity to be attached to a machine that kept you happy all the time by manipulating your nerves without your control, would you accept it? Probably not. To live like that would not be rational.

And, so, God wants us to be rational in our faith and in our relationship with Him. Do we truly believe the universe created itself? This is not a rational view (and there are many scientists who agree). Do we truly believe life is pointless?  Life is pointless if there is no God.

Belief in God is like an ointment that treats the pain and scars we all suffer from living in an imperfect world.  Anyone who truly knows God knows He wouldn’t take pleasure in allowing pain and suffering. God is kind, faithful and just; kind in His forgiveness of sin, faithful in preserving free will, and just in providing a way of escape from the evil that has groped the world. And He is just in punishing those that bring and that have brought evil into the world.

Praise be to God!

 

Note: Adapted from the writings of John Lennox and Prager University

 

 

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Wedding Anniversary Wishes for a Dear Friend and His Beloved Wife

Dear Lou:
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> Couldn't recall your 55th wedding date but am feeling it was early August.
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> In lieu of a "live" gift of celebration, please accept, with Lynn, of course, the attached photo of flowers from our garden, picked fresh this morning.  I picked the flowers for an arrangement I felt would tell a living story.
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> The two, large red flowers are Hibiscus and they represent you and Lynn. The center, white, an Althea, represents the purity and timelessness of your shared love. The two, small purple Princess Flowers represent "pillars of character" you share and exhibit in your lives. And the yellow Cana Lillies represent the unconditional love for each other, that love which endures the changes of life.
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> Anita and I give you all our best wishes on this special day, the anniversary of the wedding of you and your beloved.
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> Ken

The Opposite of Fear is Compassion

     When we watch the evening news or read the newspaper we may learn of or are reminded of suffering in the Middle East, Africa, or other areas of the world where bad things are happening to fellow human beings. Many of us may feel empathy and/or sadness and a desire to help; these feelings are, more times than not, described as compassion. But is it really compassion that is being expressed?

     An older (archaic) definition of passion is “a struggle or suffering”; i.e., the passion of Christ. The prefix “com” before a word usually means “with.” To me, the roots of the word, compassion, suggest a rethinking of its common or contemporary definition; it tells me this peculiar word truly means “struggling or suffering with.” If we accept this “true” definition, can we, then, honestly say, “We have compassion for the unfortunate of the world,” if we are not, indeed, struggling or suffering with them? And if we say we want to exercise true compassion, what is keeping us from doing so?

     The late, Reverend Peter Gomes, a theologian and minister at Harvard University’s Memorial Church, in his book,  The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus, states that “living in fear is no way for a mature, much less a Christian, society to flourish.” That is a strong statement, and Gomes’ discussion of the “fear factor” is very interesting and thought-provoking; indeed, it certainly may be the one factor that ultimately keeps us from “doing for others.” 

     Persuasively, Reverend Gomes argues that fear and compassion are opposites, specifically that “the opposite of fear is not courage but compassion.” Personally, I would simply argue that fear and compassion are in no way, complementary. However, I understand what Gomes is conveying to the reader: we cannot do for others while fearing to do so. Christ did for us by overcoming the fear of His ultimate passion. Gomes also cites the example of the Good Samaritan; how he never would have responded to any stranger had he given into his fears “both of the dangers of the highway and of what others might think of his imprudent but compassionate behavior."

     In light of Gomes’ discussion of the opposite of fear being compassion, wouldn’t  Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. David Livingstone, Dr. Martin Luther King, and “like” others (untold numbers not as well known) be considered as having or having had true compassion? For me, personally, the word “compassion” now has a deeper meaning than that which has been accepted for the common or contemporary use of the word.

     The Reverend Gomes’ book, The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus, in its entirety, truly is a message for the reader. Yes, this reader fears for his well-being in certain parts of the world, to include streets in America. And I will continue to express concern for the unfortunate of this world with prayers for relief from their struggles and suffering. But, if I am ever called to overcome the fear of going and doing for others, I will proceed with true compassion.

Never Has So Much Been Given…………………..

     I begin this post with a tribute to a coworker who recently passed away following a brief struggle with ovarian cancer. I did not know her personally – never met her family or learned how many children she had of her own. But I did know her professionally – mingling with her and other 4-H Youth professionals (employed with and working in other parishes) at workshops, contests, and planning meetings. And, yet, after learning of her death, I felt a personal loss; the loss that was expressed by the many comments left on a tribute page made available by the funeral home which handled her family's arrangements.

     As I read the tributes to my former coworker, I reflected on how she and other youth professionals and volunteer leaders had positively influenced at least two generations of Louisiana youth and adults during a 33 year period. And, before I left the page of tributes, a very, emotional thought popped in my mind – one, last sentence descriptive of the legacy left by my former coworker: a paraphrase of Winston Churchill’s tribute to the British air force, defending Britain against a mightier foe during the dawn of the second world war, when he said, “Never has so much been given to so many by so few."

     The effects of individuals serving the needs of others can be substantiated by research; but they can also be confirmed by a search of the heart. Occasional reflection on how the actions of these “few” benefit so many is, in itself, a lasting tribute. Teachers, mentors, and missionaries; fire, police, and rescue personnel and volunteers; military service men and women; and other “like” individuals – these are the people worthy of the tribute given by Winston Churchill. 

Happiness and Joy: A Prayer for My Three Sons

   Every now and then, I feel the need to send a letter of encouragement or prayer to others. The motivation for the most recent one, addressed to my three sons, is a recurring reflection of my personal life; a collection of memories like the collection of still images that transforms into a motion picture. Believe me, there are no selfish plans to leave the movie before it ends. However, the Christian song artist, Steven Curtis Chapman, writes, “make the best of your own journey from the cradle to the grave.” My journey involves stopping along the way and sharing knowledge and experience to whoever has an ear to hear them.

To My Three Sons:

In contemplating the arrival of Jacob in November and reflecting on the relationship and commonalities he will have with his soon-to-be cousins, I want to share a few thoughts and a prayer with you three, wonderful young men.

I may have mentioned my dad was an impatient individual, and, for the most part, a distant father. He was relatively quiet until stoked by what he felt was bad behavior. Discipline was with a belt or, when we boys were older (the two sisters received little discipline), with fists. Because I made good grades and my brother did not, I was always doted on while he was scolded and belittled, sometimes in front of others outside the immediate family. Years later, after leaving home for the Army and after marrying the beautiful woman (your mother) that gave me a different, nicer interpretation of life, I began reflecting on the years of my youth. My reflections, my inner self, and of course, my God revealed my parents were not happy people. When I say, “not happy,” I mean, “not happy with themselves.”

And I have no doubt my parents’ unhappiness was passed on, so to speak, to me and my siblings. Indeed, inner happiness and joy were not encouraged by my parents and the push to succeed in school and college made almost certain they were not.  Other than working at my dad’s gas station, during my youth, I had no coping mechanisms, such as 4H Clubs, Scouts, or church groups, to offset the home environment. Unfortunately, lack of inner happiness followed me into adult life. Prime example: one day, after the honeymoon, of course, I woke up and realized I was married. Other than enjoying the fringe benefits of marriage, I was not happy being married.

Unhappiness with marriage lingered into the child rearing years of my children, you three. However, and I don’t exactly know when it happened, I was convicted by God and life to be “happy” with myself and with my family; I was convicted to raise and love you three boys different from the way I was raised. And I was convicted to break a vicious cycle that may have begun generations ago. Indeed, it was a huge effort (because I failed many times); but I feel the course was held. Of course there were things I wish I had better control of. The biggest thing was not being able to share with your mom every minute of your growing years. Your mom worked late or too much, and I was away too much with work and the Army reserves.

So, in summary, life, for me, has been one, big learning experience. And the most important thing I have learned is to be happy with myself. For all men and women, happiness with oneself can bring forth an abundance of good and wonderful things. The two, most important ones for me have been a closer relationship with God and an appreciation of and patience with your mother and with you, three guys,  not to mention people outside the immediate family. To summarize (again), if you have not been reading between the lines of this letter, what I am praying is that you have been (or will soon be) convicted to inner peace and happiness before your slow, old dad was.

Love, always,

Dad

Balance is More than a Tightrope Act

     Like many things in life,” balance” is important; maybe the most important part. To “lose” balance may mean the inability of a living body to “correct” itself (its physical position) to its environment, a medical condition. Or it may mean an inability to accomplish a task that was once easy to accomplish; to lose one’s mojo, to coin a popular (or once popular?) phrase. Regardless of the situation balance is integral to nature, to include the human condition.

     When I think of balance in nature, I think of a habitat’s ability to sustain a certain population of, let’s say, deer. If resources, such as food, water, and shelter, are not available in sufficient quantities, the population decreases, either from death or movement to another habitat. The population decrease is a result of nature putting things (the habitat) back into balance. Other factors that affect the population and help “effect” balance are disease and predators.

     “Disease” and “predator;” these two words may be the most common in the printed and broadcast media. In the human condition these words, justifiably, instill fear and unknowns. They aren’t pretty words, for sure; however, war, crime, bullying, and disease have always played an important part in human history; humankind has been confronted with them from day one.

     Today, humankind exerts extreme efforts to confront war, crime, bullying, and disease. The trade balance, the balance of powers, nuclear parity, the United Nations WHO, militarized police forces, social and educational programs, etc., describe attempts to “correct” the world or what some scientists and strategists refer to as “changing the big picture.”

     But how can that part of the world that affects us as individuals (the small picture or our own little worlds) be corrected and brought into balance? To be sure, if we can’t balance our own lives, we can’t expect to help balance the world. A prescription to my fellow humans would be "pursue a full and abundant life." To echo a Catholic priest and a pediatrician, both whom I have met in my life’s travel, respectively, “while you’re counting the days of your life, make each day count,” and, “life is a gift; pass it on.”

      While you are thinking about making each day count, don’t think living a full and abundant life means working tirelessly and having plenty of money and things. Instead, consider thinking of improving your knowledge or education, hobbies and interests, and physical health as “abundancy.” Think of self-dependency, family, helping others, and enjoying God’s handiwork and special gift as “filling or fulfilling.” Consider all the things in life you have never taken time to consider. Lastly, and most importantly, put all these thoughts and considerations into action.

     Over a lifetime’s run we will undoubtedly encounter challenges to our personal balances. Attempts to maintain balance may seem like a circus of different acts. I think, however, focusing on living a full and abundant life to balance our lives will be more fun than doing a tightrope act.