Wedding Anniversary Wishes for a Dear Friend and His Beloved Wife

Dear Lou:
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> Couldn't recall your 55th wedding date but am feeling it was early August.
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> In lieu of a "live" gift of celebration, please accept, with Lynn, of course, the attached photo of flowers from our garden, picked fresh this morning.  I picked the flowers for an arrangement I felt would tell a living story.
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> The two, large red flowers are Hibiscus and they represent you and Lynn. The center, white, an Althea, represents the purity and timelessness of your shared love. The two, small purple Princess Flowers represent "pillars of character" you share and exhibit in your lives. And the yellow Cana Lillies represent the unconditional love for each other, that love which endures the changes of life.
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> Anita and I give you all our best wishes on this special day, the anniversary of the wedding of you and your beloved.
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> Ken

The Opposite of Fear is Compassion

     When we watch the evening news or read the newspaper we may learn of or are reminded of suffering in the Middle East, Africa, or other areas of the world where bad things are happening to fellow human beings. Many of us may feel empathy and/or sadness and a desire to help; these feelings are, more times than not, described as compassion. But is it really compassion that is being expressed?

     An older (archaic) definition of passion is “a struggle or suffering”; i.e., the passion of Christ. The prefix “com” before a word usually means “with.” To me, the roots of the word, compassion, suggest a rethinking of its common or contemporary definition; it tells me this peculiar word truly means “struggling or suffering with.” If we accept this “true” definition, can we, then, honestly say, “We have compassion for the unfortunate of the world,” if we are not, indeed, struggling or suffering with them? And if we say we want to exercise true compassion, what is keeping us from doing so?

     The late, Reverend Peter Gomes, a theologian and minister at Harvard University’s Memorial Church, in his book,  The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus, states that “living in fear is no way for a mature, much less a Christian, society to flourish.” That is a strong statement, and Gomes’ discussion of the “fear factor” is very interesting and thought-provoking; indeed, it certainly may be the one factor that ultimately keeps us from “doing for others.” 

     Persuasively, Reverend Gomes argues that fear and compassion are opposites, specifically that “the opposite of fear is not courage but compassion.” Personally, I would simply argue that fear and compassion are in no way, complementary. However, I understand what Gomes is conveying to the reader: we cannot do for others while fearing to do so. Christ did for us by overcoming the fear of His ultimate passion. Gomes also cites the example of the Good Samaritan; how he never would have responded to any stranger had he given into his fears “both of the dangers of the highway and of what others might think of his imprudent but compassionate behavior."

     In light of Gomes’ discussion of the opposite of fear being compassion, wouldn’t  Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. David Livingstone, Dr. Martin Luther King, and “like” others (untold numbers not as well known) be considered as having or having had true compassion? For me, personally, the word “compassion” now has a deeper meaning than that which has been accepted for the common or contemporary use of the word.

     The Reverend Gomes’ book, The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus, in its entirety, truly is a message for the reader. Yes, this reader fears for his well-being in certain parts of the world, to include streets in America. And I will continue to express concern for the unfortunate of this world with prayers for relief from their struggles and suffering. But, if I am ever called to overcome the fear of going and doing for others, I will proceed with true compassion.

Never Has So Much Been Given…………………..

     I begin this post with a tribute to a coworker who recently passed away following a brief struggle with ovarian cancer. I did not know her personally – never met her family or learned how many children she had of her own. But I did know her professionally – mingling with her and other 4-H Youth professionals (employed with and working in other parishes) at workshops, contests, and planning meetings. And, yet, after learning of her death, I felt a personal loss; the loss that was expressed by the many comments left on a tribute page made available by the funeral home which handled her family's arrangements.

     As I read the tributes to my former coworker, I reflected on how she and other youth professionals and volunteer leaders had positively influenced at least two generations of Louisiana youth and adults during a 33 year period. And, before I left the page of tributes, a very, emotional thought popped in my mind – one, last sentence descriptive of the legacy left by my former coworker: a paraphrase of Winston Churchill’s tribute to the British air force, defending Britain against a mightier foe during the dawn of the second world war, when he said, “Never has so much been given to so many by so few."

     The effects of individuals serving the needs of others can be substantiated by research; but they can also be confirmed by a search of the heart. Occasional reflection on how the actions of these “few” benefit so many is, in itself, a lasting tribute. Teachers, mentors, and missionaries; fire, police, and rescue personnel and volunteers; military service men and women; and other “like” individuals – these are the people worthy of the tribute given by Winston Churchill. 

Happiness and Joy: A Prayer for My Three Sons

   Every now and then, I feel the need to send a letter of encouragement or prayer to others. The motivation for the most recent one, addressed to my three sons, is a recurring reflection of my personal life; a collection of memories like the collection of still images that transforms into a motion picture. Believe me, there are no selfish plans to leave the movie before it ends. However, the Christian song artist, Steven Curtis Chapman, writes, “make the best of your own journey from the cradle to the grave.” My journey involves stopping along the way and sharing knowledge and experience to whoever has an ear to hear them.

To My Three Sons:

In contemplating the arrival of Jacob in November and reflecting on the relationship and commonalities he will have with his soon-to-be cousins, I want to share a few thoughts and a prayer with you three, wonderful young men.

I may have mentioned my dad was an impatient individual, and, for the most part, a distant father. He was relatively quiet until stoked by what he felt was bad behavior. Discipline was with a belt or, when we boys were older (the two sisters received little discipline), with fists. Because I made good grades and my brother did not, I was always doted on while he was scolded and belittled, sometimes in front of others outside the immediate family. Years later, after leaving home for the Army and after marrying the beautiful woman (your mother) that gave me a different, nicer interpretation of life, I began reflecting on the years of my youth. My reflections, my inner self, and of course, my God revealed my parents were not happy people. When I say, “not happy,” I mean, “not happy with themselves.”

And I have no doubt my parents’ unhappiness was passed on, so to speak, to me and my siblings. Indeed, inner happiness and joy were not encouraged by my parents and the push to succeed in school and college made almost certain they were not.  Other than working at my dad’s gas station, during my youth, I had no coping mechanisms, such as 4H Clubs, Scouts, or church groups, to offset the home environment. Unfortunately, lack of inner happiness followed me into adult life. Prime example: one day, after the honeymoon, of course, I woke up and realized I was married. Other than enjoying the fringe benefits of marriage, I was not happy being married.

Unhappiness with marriage lingered into the child rearing years of my children, you three. However, and I don’t exactly know when it happened, I was convicted by God and life to be “happy” with myself and with my family; I was convicted to raise and love you three boys different from the way I was raised. And I was convicted to break a vicious cycle that may have begun generations ago. Indeed, it was a huge effort (because I failed many times); but I feel the course was held. Of course there were things I wish I had better control of. The biggest thing was not being able to share with your mom every minute of your growing years. Your mom worked late or too much, and I was away too much with work and the Army reserves.

So, in summary, life, for me, has been one, big learning experience. And the most important thing I have learned is to be happy with myself. For all men and women, happiness with oneself can bring forth an abundance of good and wonderful things. The two, most important ones for me have been a closer relationship with God and an appreciation of and patience with your mother and with you, three guys,  not to mention people outside the immediate family. To summarize (again), if you have not been reading between the lines of this letter, what I am praying is that you have been (or will soon be) convicted to inner peace and happiness before your slow, old dad was.

Love, always,

Dad

Balance is More than a Tightrope Act

     Like many things in life,” balance” is important; maybe the most important part. To “lose” balance may mean the inability of a living body to “correct” itself (its physical position) to its environment, a medical condition. Or it may mean an inability to accomplish a task that was once easy to accomplish; to lose one’s mojo, to coin a popular (or once popular?) phrase. Regardless of the situation balance is integral to nature, to include the human condition.

     When I think of balance in nature, I think of a habitat’s ability to sustain a certain population of, let’s say, deer. If resources, such as food, water, and shelter, are not available in sufficient quantities, the population decreases, either from death or movement to another habitat. The population decrease is a result of nature putting things (the habitat) back into balance. Other factors that affect the population and help “effect” balance are disease and predators.

     “Disease” and “predator;” these two words may be the most common in the printed and broadcast media. In the human condition these words, justifiably, instill fear and unknowns. They aren’t pretty words, for sure; however, war, crime, bullying, and disease have always played an important part in human history; humankind has been confronted with them from day one.

     Today, humankind exerts extreme efforts to confront war, crime, bullying, and disease. The trade balance, the balance of powers, nuclear parity, the United Nations WHO, militarized police forces, social and educational programs, etc., describe attempts to “correct” the world or what some scientists and strategists refer to as “changing the big picture.”

     But how can that part of the world that affects us as individuals (the small picture or our own little worlds) be corrected and brought into balance? To be sure, if we can’t balance our own lives, we can’t expect to help balance the world. A prescription to my fellow humans would be "pursue a full and abundant life." To echo a Catholic priest and a pediatrician, both whom I have met in my life’s travel, respectively, “while you’re counting the days of your life, make each day count,” and, “life is a gift; pass it on.”

      While you are thinking about making each day count, don’t think living a full and abundant life means working tirelessly and having plenty of money and things. Instead, consider thinking of improving your knowledge or education, hobbies and interests, and physical health as “abundancy.” Think of self-dependency, family, helping others, and enjoying God’s handiwork and special gift as “filling or fulfilling.” Consider all the things in life you have never taken time to consider. Lastly, and most importantly, put all these thoughts and considerations into action.

     Over a lifetime’s run we will undoubtedly encounter challenges to our personal balances. Attempts to maintain balance may seem like a circus of different acts. I think, however, focusing on living a full and abundant life to balance our lives will be more fun than doing a tightrope act.

Taking Credit from others is making a Claim for You

     Why take credit from where it is due? Take, for example, an outside group that successfully organizes a group of people to take action in their community. The people in this outside group, essentially an organizer of change, should be confident enough in their skills and experience to let go of the fledgling organization. Ethically speaking, they should indeed give credit to the new organization when its teamwork results in successful and notable events in the community. In short, outside groups should be content enough with their success in setting an atmosphere of teamwork among the people they organize, and nothing more.

     Now, the outside group, mentioned above, may explain their wanting to take credit for successful events of their constituent organization as a misperception caused by miscommunication in the media (for example, a newspaper). However, the outside group prides itself in getting the right information to the masses; it should inherently know that ineffective communication too many times, whether it be in the media or by word of mouth, confuses people, makes them feel left out, and may emotionally hurt their sense of purpose.

     A real life example of the above situation recently occurred in a small, semi-rural county. About thirty years ago, parents and community leaders in this county were determined to have a county-level junior livestock show (the Show). The local County (agricultural) Agent and the vocational-agriculture instructor at one of the county high schools were instrumental in getting parents and community leaders to organize a junior livestock association that would, among other community events, put on an annual junior livestock Show. Eventually, the association was incorporated and it acquired an IRS number for non-profit status.

     Over time, the junior livestock association underwent changes and evolved. Its annual Show evolved into a bi-county junior livestock event. Today, as they have done over thirty years, 4-H and Future Farmers of America (FFA) youth exhibit their livestock project animals in scheduled contests. At an accompanying Mini-farm, area youngsters and adults can visit animals and agricultural products on display. However, something in the publicity of this year’s animal contest results and Mini-farm activities confused many.

     In regards to junior livestock show and accompanying mini-farm publicity, a local newspaper article left out all mention of the Show’s true name and the grass roots organization which organizes and puts on this annual showcase of 4-H and FFA Youth livestock activities. The article gave the Show a different name, the name of an outside group that claims to have organized and claims to put on the Show and Mini-farm each year. Granted, the outside group has contributed to successful operations of the Show. And the County Agent, who helped organize the Show thirty years ago, was employed by the outside group. However, the Show and accompanying Min-farm are truly local events made possible by parents and youth in the community.

     So, why take credit from where it is due? My feelings are that, as in the example described above, some people or groups lack the confidence to let go and develop other relationships (or organizations). As long as they hold on to that someone or something, he, she, or they eventually take ownership of that person or thing. Others, close to this situation, will undoubtedly be affected by the claim – in other words, the credit.

Bullying is a Concern for Leaders/Mentors

      While employed as a Youth Education Professional with the Louisiana Cooperative Extension Service, I was offered the opportunity to work with teenage boys on a weekly basis, specifically on the discipline of mentoring.  I gladly accepted the offer and began searching for topics to include in the training. To become well-rounded mentors to younger boys, I thought, a lesson these teenagers should have was on a topic that was receiving much attention in the educational literature: bullying. During preparation for the lesson, I learned much about this devastating human behavior. Though there exists more current research on "bullying" and, indeed, more media coverage, let me share some facts from the 1990s.’

      Bullying exists to greater or lesser degrees in almost every westernized culture, to include Japan and China. Most Americans do not take bullying very seriously – not even in schools; they tend to think it is a given part of childhood. Teachers don’t want to admit it, because they rarely see it in the classroom.

      Bullying is among the most stable of human behavior styles, progressing from childhood to adulthood. However, it is a problem that does not sort itself out naturally. The aggression of a bully can be physical, or verbal, directed towards a particular person or it can be covert or subtle, such as lies communicated to others about a particular person.

      Several studies from research have shown that 60%-70% of children are never involved in bullying, either as victims or as bullies. 15% – 20% are involved more than once or twice a school term, once again, either as bullies or as victims. According to authorities and researchers in the social sciences, estimates are that incidents of bullying will increase.

     The thing about bullying is that, without intervention, children who are bullies grow up to be bullies. Charlotte Rayner, a human resource management professor at the University of Portsmouth (England) states, “bullying in the workplace is as much about what people don’t do, such as excluding targets from meetings, withholding information or leaving them off an important e-mail, as what they do, such as name-calling, making threatening statements, micromanaging or undermining somebody’s reputation.” The workplace culture, “see no evil mentality,” is what allows bullying to become the norm; a finding from psychologist Pat Ferris’ own experience and from her recent research.

      Research, which was not mentioned above, exists (I am sure) on the effects of bullying within the family unit; what initially comes to mind is the abuse inflicted by adult children on their elderly parents. Bullying is, indeed, a serious topic.

Information in this column is from the American Psychological Association Online (July/Aug. 2006) and Psychology Today Online (Oct. 2009)